Those poor bastards

Human beings are nostalgic assholes. We look to venerate those we consider glorious, hurling accolades upon them in every artistic medium. Is anyone else sick of it? I thought it was time to take a look at those artists who had the sack to get in someone's face and tell them how badly they suck. (Note: These songs were selected from the music held within my Musitron 5000 mp3 player)


5. 1812 Overture - Tchaikovsky

Why placed here?

It would have been higher except it's somewhat in contrast with what I have set out to do here. Some may celebrate it as a commemoration of Russian courage and diligence against an invading Napoleon. I however, knowing that Russians are mindless red fools, love to believe that Tchaikovsky was really sticking it to that miniature francophile bastard. The introduction of Le Marseillaise (the French national anthem) seems innocent enough until it is pummeled into inaudibility by God Save the Tsar (the Russian anthem.)

Would have been higher if...

It didn't involve dirty ruskies.

4. You're So Vain - Carly Simon

Why placed here?

As the precursor to Alanis Morisette's "You Oughta Know," this song set the stage for women everywhere to lash out at men who don't love them the way that they need to be loved and see them for what they really are: shrieking sirens with VD. In any event, this song is particularly scathing and reminds me to steer clear of brunettes with attitude.

Would have been higher if...

It didn't rely so much on mystery and reputation. Just tell us who the fucking song is about.

3. Congratulations - Weezer


Why placed here?

Does Weezer suck? I'm not really sure. At the time that this lambasting b-side was written, it would have been blasphemous to suggest such a thing in most circles. The song is perfect in its attempts to put some poor bastard(s) down. "How does it feel to have control of everything that’s meaningless? I can’t believe you’re satisfied with your lame achievement!" What a nice slap in the face to every phony fuckface on the planet.

Would have been higher if...

I didn't think that old Rivers hopped in a time machine and saw new Rivers and decided to write this song.

2. Positively 4th Street - Bob Dylan

Why placed here?

This song would make me cry if it was about me. It makes me uncomfortable when I listen to it. It's so dangerous because it sounds so sincere. Bob's not being petty. He's not striking back at someone to try and save face. He's telling it like it is. "Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes. You'd know what a drag it is to see you." I think I'm gonna throw up.

Would have been higher if...

Dylan had more aliases which brings us to...

1. I Don't Believe You - Kool Keith a.k.a. Dr. Octagon a.k.a. Black Elvis a.k.a. Dr. Dooom a.k.a. Rico from Puerto Rico a.k.a. MC Baldylocks a.k.a. Funk Igniter Plus a.k.a. EXOTRON GEIGER COUNTER ONE PLUS MEGOTRON a.k.a. Mr. Nogtaco

Why placed here?

It's infantile to the n-th degree. Throughout the song, Keith repeatedly refuses to believe any and all things about the subject's life, down to the most insignificant details. He follows a set form of asking a rhetorical question and responding "I DON'T BELIVE YOU" e.g. "You say Zach's your cousin? I DON'T BELIEVE YOU." Keith employs a brilliant cadence to end the song. "You work at 7-11." No refutation; Keith believes this.